Monday, July 2, 2012

the maternal fault finding mission......





.
have i mentioned to you that my mom hand washes her underwear and then dries them on my furnace vents. no, i have probably not mentioned that. why i wonder. well, then none of you would want to be my friend. but it's quite a sight to see. huge - old lady panties, billowing like sails, anchored firmly in place by sturdy knick knacks. it looks like a god damn yacht club.

i tell you this, not to bring attention to my plight but rather to point out my patience and overall goodness. when i look around and see all those unfurled underpinnings, i don't get angry. i instead think "jesus, is someone recording this"

                     
that's how it is with my mother. you can't get mad at her. firstly she's so damn old. secondly, my entertainment bar is set so low that when mom is here i am in a state of constant amusement. i grant you constant amusement is like being on the spinning tea cups at a county fair. fun the first 8 times


i tell you i'm exhausted.

my mother has several basic rules of engagement. she is like a game of battleship.



forward operations (the gauntlet toss)

this is designed to assess the target. the tip of the spear if you will. this was the opening volley at the airport. i had spent $35 to park close to the arrival gate exit.
it is important to remain neutral in the exchange. i feel my nerve endings throughout my body yelling "hold the line". you must remember there is no right answer and you must not engage.

mom: i like to know where this car is parked

me: it's right over here mom, in special parking

mom: well if i had known it was this far i would have gotten a wheelchair.

me: it's right in front of you mom

mom: this is what i'm saying about these big airports, they have free parking close to the door for seniors..



ground offensive (the commentary)

this is the shock and awe part. there are no words to describe it. it’s just mind-numbing verbal banter. no viewers were injured in the following enactment.

mom: do you actually read the back of the movie box or do you just go by the picture on the front.

me: this movie is supposed to be good

mom: could you tell me why no one is doing anything. doesn't one of these people have a gun.

me: they're on a plane mom. no guns

mom: do you mean to say there's not a first aid kit somewhere. this is what i'm saying, there should be a first aid kit on the plane.

me: the plane has crashed mom. it's on fire.

mom: am i supposed to believe that's a wolf. i have never seen a wolf that big

me: that's a wolf, mom

mom: well are they just going give up, where are the guns from the plane ............................................................................and on and on



friendly fire and collateral damage

these are the unexpected gems that usually happen at public places or neighbors BBQ's. the target is not you but nonetheless you're part of the action. it's best to try to contain the incident and minimize the carnage. the following training exercise took place in a walmart check-out line

mom: that man's an albino. look over there

me: there are no albinos here

mom: i guess he is an albino; look at his hair.

me: shhhh

(man turns around and is not an albino, but angry)

me: i'm sorry, sir

mom: what are you saying sorry for. i never said he was an albino, i said he looked like one.



we're 2 weeks in. resistance is futile. 21 days to go.

best one liner so far
mom: you eat more than any woman i know
me: thank you

bev
ps bless you all for following and commenting


85 comments:

  1. Oh man... see, this is the kind stuff that causes all my troubles...heart, gas, hiccups, you name it... all from laugh, laugh, laughing!!! Gosh I'm in tears...this was great!!!

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  2. If it's not one thing...it's your mom. I feel you on this. I really, really do. What can I say about this post except that there were so many flawless lines? Seriously, so many "I wish I'd come up with that" lines. I'm giving you the Kreativ Blogger Award. No. N- don't argue with me. Just come and get it.

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    Replies
    1. mother of god, will you stop with this foolishness. i'm going to get all big-headed
      nevermind all that, thank you very much. another interview with jim

      Delete
  3. Hi Bev!!
    I hopped on over from:
    www.hammockinthehoneysuckle.blogspot.com.

    Love what I see and look forward to following! :)

    Hope to see you hanging around my hammock too, from time to time!

    I could relate, in a funny way, to this. My Mom and I have a funny relationship.

    Look forward to more!

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    Replies
    1. i'll certainly be back to your lovely blog. thank you for visiting and following

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  4. Great post. I could see it all, even the underwear.

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  5. This is the funniest thing I've read in I don't know how long!And you have GOT to be a Saint!
    (Umm...she doesn't read the comments does she?) In which case this was just mean and hurtful!

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    Replies
    1. i am not a saint. i am just easily amused. if my mom ever finds this blog i could be amused to death

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  6. Looks like you and I have a bit in common here. Are all mothers like this as they get older? Sheesh, I am doing everything I can to NOT be like this. LOL!

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    Replies
    1. thank you so much for saying that. it's nice to comrades. and thanks for following

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  7. This cracked me up. Thanks for following my blog. About to "follow" you back. Love your writing...and your mom is a gem.

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    Replies
    1. thank you stephanie. i like your blog

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  8. Too funny. Loved the yacht club. At least your mom is not showing off her La Senza underwear to her grandchildren. No. We can't even make jokes about that one.
    Have you read Incontinent on the Continent by Jane Christmas? I think you would like it (in fact, from the sounds of this ... you could probably write the sequel!).
    Thanks for the laughs!

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    Replies
    1. thanks so much. i must hear the la senza underwear story, please. i have never read "incontienent on the continent" maybe i should.

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  9. I had mom from Saturday 11am until Sunday 8pm (sleep over included). Your stamina is beyond imagination. Your brain's default button has become "humor". Marj's "That is what I'm saying..." equals Betty's "What do you suppose...".

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    Replies
    1. baby girl, i can't wait to see you. i also quite enjoy the "if you ask me"

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  10. Hi Bev, this is really funny. What do you take for your patience? Are there special pills, or a secret juice you drink? Mom humor is sometimes the best kind of humor. :)

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    Replies
    1. oh well, i tell the my secret. on a really trying day i chew a tylenol 3 very slowing and sip diet mountain dew :)

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  11. Very funny...and moving too; you're doing a great job. I've always wondered about the moment when a woman decides--oh what the hell--and gives over to the granny panties.

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    Replies
    1. i don't know, i only know that those panties could propel any ship around the world. thanks for visiting

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  12. Ok I have stopped laughing now and can write a comment but what should I comment on the handwashed panties but really I have nothing to say about that except I am glad it is not my house she wants to dry them in although I do remember a greataunt doing just that so embarressing I was like 14 at the time and it so embarressing to see old woman underwear around the house.......lol But what really cracked me up was the conversation about the albino why because I can remember the same greataunt saying something simplar when we took her out shopping although she was going on about the person being an aboriginal and she was loud and the people she was talking about started looking at her and some of them looked like they wanted to start a fight or something it was terrible me and mum kept saying sorry and she was don't say sorry they are black as the ace of spades why do some older people think it is alright to say such things............

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    Replies
    1. yes, it is so lovely to go shopping with someone with no filter. i am on constant alert. thanks for the story - it's great not to be alone

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  13. Bev - very funny. Thank you for my morning smile.

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  14. Dear Bev, as someone who is aging beyond recognition, I say to you--"I've earned the right to be eccentric!!!!!!!" Well, the truth is that I don't think I've earned anything, but I do love being in my 70s and feeling that what others think about me doesn't matter much. There's a freedom that can come with age that is quite delightful and compelling! Peace.

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    Replies
    1. mom is nearly in her nineties so she is expericing a level of freedom on par with the 4th of july. hope i didn't piss you off

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    2. Dear Bev, no, I"m not "pissed off." The thing is that we need humor to keep everything in perspective. And having a sense of the ridiculous and an awareness of human folly is a gift you have. I'm glad you share it. Peace.

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  15. I feel your momma pain! Great page!

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  16. Hi there! I'm following from the Welcome Wednesday hop! Loved reading your blog and look forward to more! I would appreciate the follow back! Have an awesome day!

    -Kat

    http://mom-uncensored.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanks so much for visiting and following my blog, I'm now following you back.

    xoxo

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  18. Thanks for visiting my blog and following me! Now following you back.
    --Becky
    preppypremed.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  19. Following back from the hop, and giggling like mad at the story of your mom.

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  20. Following from the hop - thanks for participating in the Friday Fun Hop

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  21. You have the patience of a saint! By the way, I'm following back. Cheers from Bron, your new Aussie friend.

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    Replies
    1. welcome to canada, bron
      thanks your new friend bev

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  22. New follower from redrose-vintage.blogspot.com :) stop by whenever you'd like
    :)

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    Replies
    1. thank you, you take pretty pictures

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  23. Bev,

    Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and following. You have a great blog and I'm following back.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thanks for visiting, Bev - I'm following you back
    Linda
    http://www.withablast.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  25. I Bev, thanks for visiting my blog. Happy to follow you back :)

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  26. The albino story is great! So awesomely awkward. You tell the story so well!

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    Replies
    1. thank you katie. your last post was grand

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  27. Oh gosh, your mum sounds like my nana. Thanks for following me, I have followed back. Enjoy your weekend! x

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    Replies
    1. thank you michelle, bring your nana over to visit

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  28. Hahahahaha - your mom sounds like every woman in my family! I am in tears laughing reading your posts. So glad you stopped over and I'm a new fan!

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    Replies
    1. well, thank you april. you're very sweet

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  29. I'm blog hopping and hopped right over to visit...think I will stay awhile! Great post!

    Come by and say hi to me
    xo
    Sylvia
    http://boosbasket.blogspot.com/

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    Replies
    1. i will be happy to visit. xo right back at ya

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  30. Visiting and following you back!!
    Thank you!! :)
    StacySewsandSchools.wordpress.com

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  31. Thank you for stopping by. Following back from

    www.oh-so-amelia.blogspot.co.uk

    Kerry

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  32. Thanks for stopping by and following me :) Happy new follower here too.

    Love your header too btw :)

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    Replies
    1. well, thank you miss smith. i had to look up btw. i like your blog as well

      Delete
  33. Hi! Stopping by from the blog hop! Am now a new follower:) Would love if you could follow me back!
    http://crazy-mama-drama.blogspot.com/
    http://www.facebook.com/pages/Crazy-Mama-Drama/259491484156846
    https://twitter.com/LoveMyMamaDrama

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    Replies
    1. thank you and i will be right over you crazy mama

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  34. Returning the love from the blog hop!! Glad to have found you!!

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  35. Following back from the blog hop. Love your writing. Very funny. And as tough as your Mom may be to deal with, she certainly gives you loyts of material :)

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    Replies
    1. yes liz, my mom's a barrel of monkeys. thank you for following

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  36. I think your mom is my mom's long lost twin. Returning your blog hop from visiting my blog. Love your site!

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    Replies
    1. well kim we could do the blood work and find out. thanks for following

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  37. Too funny! Love it. Thanks for visiting and following, following you back!

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  38. Bev, you are a saint! And you only need 6 more followers to get to 100!

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  39. Following you back from the blog hop!! Thanks for the love!! Looks like you've got a great blog!! Can't wait to read though. Sorry for the late follow, I was on vacay :)

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    Replies
    1. thanks for following and visiting

      Delete
  40. Hey there, thanks for stopping by my page. I am following you back and I am looking forward to getting to know you and reading your posts. Have a wonderful day!

    wow, I just noticed I am your 100th follower!! Congrats!

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  41. no no...thank YOU for living through that and sharing it with those of us who know EXACTLY what those conversations sound like. I feel less crazy knowing that I am not alone. :)

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